Jokester's Blog

Last Wish

An old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years, he had faithfully served the people of the nation's capital. He motioned for his nurse to come near.

"Yes, Father?" said the nurse.

"I would really like to see Senators Ted Kennedy and Hillary Clinton before I die," whispered the priest.

"I'll see what I can do, Father" replied the nurse.

The nurse sent the request to the Senate and waited for a response.
Soon the word arrived; Senators Kennedy and Clinton would be delighted to visit the priest.

As they went to the hospital, Hillary commented to Teddy, "I don't know why the old priest wants to see us, but it certainly will help our images and might even get me elected President. After all, I'm "IN IT TO WIN IT."

Kennedy agreed--it was a good thing.

When they arrived at the priest's room, the priest took Ted's hand in his right hand and Hillary's hand in his left. There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest's face.

Finally Senator Kennedy spoke.

"Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?"

The old priest slowly replied, "I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ."

"Amen" said Teddy.

"Amen" said Hillary.

The old priest continued... "He died between two lying thieves. I would like to do the same."

A man walked into a very high-tech bar. As he sat down on a stool, he noticed that the bartender was a robot.
The robot clicked to attention and asked, "Sir, what will you have?"
The man thought a moment, then replied, "A martini, please".
The robot clicked a couple of times and mixed the best martini the
man had ever had.
The robot then asked, "Sir, what is your IQ?"
The man answered, "Oh, about 164."
The robot then proceeded to discuss the theory of relativity,
inter-stellar space travel, the latest medical breakthroughs, etc.
The man was most impressed. He left the bar, but thought he would try
different tactic. He returned and took a seat.
Again, the robot clicked and asked what he would have.
A martini, please."
Again it was superb.
The robot again asked, "What is your IQ, sir?"
This time the man answered, "Oh, about 100". So the robot started
discussing NASCAR racing, bass fishing and what to expect the
Steelers to do this weekend.
The guy had to try it one more time. So he left, returned and took a
stool . . Again a martini, and the question
"What is your IQ?"
This time the man drawled out "Uh . . . 'bout 50."
The robot clicked, then leaned close and very slowly asked,
"A-r-e y-o-u-r p-e-o-p-l-e r-e-a-l-l-y g-o-i-n-g t-o n-o-m-i-n-a-t-e H-i-l-l-a-r-y ?

Dear Abby:

My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating.

Also, since he lost his job six or seven years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and shoot the bull with his buddies while I have to work to pay the bills.

Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me and hints that at I may be a lesbian. What should I do?

Signed,

Clueless


Dear Clueless:
Grow up and dump him. Good grief, woman. You don't need him anymore.

You're a United States Senator from New York & Presidential candidate.
Act like one!

 

Are you a Democrat, a Republican, or a Conservative?
Here is a little test that will help you decide.

The answer can be found by posing the following question:

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, an Islamic terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you.

You are carrying a Kimber 1911 cal. 45 ACP, and you are an expert shot.

You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?
.......................................................
.........
Democrat's Answer:
Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
Does the man look poor or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think?
What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
What does the law say about this situation?
Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
Should I call 9-1-1?
Why is this street so deserted?
We need to raise taxes, have paint and weed day and make this happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.
This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for few days and try to come to a consensus.
.......................................................
................. 
Republican's Answer:





BANG!



.......................................................
.................
Conservative's Answer:



BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG! Click..... (Sounds of reloading)
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG! Click
Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?"
Son: "Can I shoot the next one!"
Wife: "You ain't taking that to the Taxidermist!

A Japanese doctor says, "Medicine in my country is so advanced that
we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him
out looking for work in six weeks."

A German doctor says, "That is nothing. We can take a lung out of
one person, put it in another, and have him out looking for work in
four weeks."

A British doctor says, "In my country medicine is so advanced that
we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and
have both of them out looking for work in two weeks."

The American doctor, not to be outdone, interjected, "You guys are
way behind. We are about to take a woman with no brains, send her
to Washington where she will become President, and then half the
country will be out looking for work."

You go Jim Brossard! Have you heard about him? He took back our American flag from a mexican bar that was flying their flag ABOVE ours. The local police didn't know what to do , so he did it for them!

Here's the link

http://www.breitbart.tv/?p=6314.

I love it!

 

War Wounded

A U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state. The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.

The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road.

I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein is a miserable, lowlife scumbag, and he yelled back that Ted Kennedy is a good-for-nothing, fat, left wing liberal drunk.

So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian!

He retaliated by yelling, Oh yea. Well, so does Hillary Clinton!

And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us."

(This joke is not intended to may light of the brave men and women of our military, only Hillary Clinton)

The US Postal Service has issued a recall of a stamp they created
with a picture of now US Senator Hillary Clinton to honor her
achievements while serving as the First Lady of our nation. 

The problem was discovered when claims had been made that the stamp
was not sticking to envelopes, and that mail which had been sent
using the "Hillary" postage was not being delivered. Senator Clinton
demanded a full investigation into the allegations. 
 
A special Postal Service Investigation team was formed and after 
several months and many dollars spent, made the following findings: 

*The stamp was manufactured properly. 

*There was nothing wrong with the adhesive. 

*People were just spitting on the wrong side

 

A first grade teacher explained to her class that she was a liberal
Democrat. She then asked her students to raise their hands if they were
liberal Democrats, too. Not really knowing what a liberal Democrat
was, but wanting to please their teacher, hands exploded into the air
like fleshy fireworks.

There was, however, one exception. A girl named Lucy had not gone
along with the crowd. The teacher asked Lucy why she decided to be
different.

"Because I'm not a liberal Democrat," Lucy said.
The teacher asked, "Then what are you?"

"I'm a proud conservative Republican" said the little girl.
The teacher, a little perturbed & red-faced, asked Lucy why she was a
conservative Republican?

Lucy proclaimed, "Well, I was brought up to trust in myself and
freedom, instead of relying on an intrusive government to care for me
and do all of my thinking. My Dad and Mom are conservative Republicans,
and I am a conservative Republican too."

The teacher calmly pointed out, "That's no reason. What if your Mom
and Dad were both morons? What would you be then?"

Lucy answered, "Then, I'd be a liberal Democrat.”