Jokester's Blog

Retirement Dinner

A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation were chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. He was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.

"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife; taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister.

I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.".....

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk. "I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the first one to go to him in confession."

Moral: NEVER, NEVER, NEVER BE LATE

 

'Hello?'

'Hi honey.

This is Daddy.

Is Mommy near the phone?'

'No Daddy.

She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'

After a brief pause,

Daddy says, 'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'

'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now.'

Brief Pause.

'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.

Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'

'Okay Daddy, just a minute.'

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.

'I did it Daddy.'

'And what happened honey?'

'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on
and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!'

'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?'

'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool.

But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'




***Long Pause***

***Longer Pause***

***Even Longer Pause***





Then Daddy says, 'Swimming pool?

Is this 486-5731?'

Satan was complaining bitterly to God: "You made the world so that it was not fair."

And God said, "Yes."

"And you made it so that most people would have to struggle every day, fight against their innate wishes and desires, and deal with all sorts of losses, grief, disasters, and catastrophes."

And God said, "Yes."

"Yet people worship and adore you. People fight, get arrested, and cheat each other, and I get blamed, even when it is not my fault."

And God said, "Uh huh. So?"

"Sure, I'm evil, but give me a break. Can't you do something to make them stop blaming me?"

And so God created lawyers.

 

A busload of politicians was driving down a country road, when suddenly the bus ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer's barn.
The old farmer got off his tractor and went to investigate. Soon he dug a hole and buried the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and apsked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.

The old farmer told him he had buried them.

The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Lordy, they were ALL dead?"

The old farmer said, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them crooked politicians lie."

 

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead
by a couple of strokes. "Boy, I'd give anything to sink this putt,"
the golfer mumbles to himself.

Just then, a stranger walks up beside him and whispers, "Would
you be willing to give up one-fourth of your sex life?"

Thinking the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless,
the golfer also feels that maybe this is a good omen so he says, "Sure"
and sinks the putt.

Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again, "Gee, I sure
would like to get an eagle on this one." The same stranger is at his
side again and whispers, "Would it be worth giving up another fourth
of your sex life?"

Shrugging, the golfer replies, "Okay." And he makes an eagle.

On the final hole, the golfer needs another eagle to win.
Without waiting for him to say anything, the stranger quickly moves to
his side and says, "Would winning this match be worth giving up the
rest of your sex life?"

"Definitely," the golfer replies, and he makes the eagle.


As the golfer is walking to the club house, the stranger
walks alongside him and says, "I haven't really been fair with you
because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil, and from this day
forward you will have no sex Life."

"Nice to meet you," the golfer replies, "I'm Father O'Malley."